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Opinions

Volume 65 Number 4

Immigration and 8th-graders

by Austin Farris and Matt Sonnenblick - 2015-02-19

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Picture this: It’s a brisk Monday morning, and you have just finished your AP Chem quiz. Dr. Stevens is the homie, and he lets you out of class with 25 minutes left in the period. Being a Chadwick junior, you naturally stroll towards the “junior area.” You plop onto one of the benches and relish a temporary lapse of silence from your enormously stressful day. Then the silence is suddenly broken by a prepubescent shriek: “DUDE, DID YOU SEE HOW MANY GIRLS I GRINDED ON AT STACY’S BAT MITZVAH LAST NIGHT???”

You turn your head and notice a flock of Middle Schoolers have situated themselves on a table in the junior area. You shrug and attribute this occurrence to an anomaly.

But you’re wrong.

Chadwick students from various grades taciturnly segregate into various parts of the school during their free time. Middle Schoolers are essentially isolated from where the high schoolers hang out in their free time as a result of this unspoken agreement.

It goes without saying that the juniors and seniors have the best areas--plenty of benches and an unmatchable proximity to the cafeteria.

But all it took was one brave Middle Schooler to venture out to upperclassmen territory during one of the free periods ...and boy did that kid ever reap the benefits. “I don’t have to walk for five minutes whenever I’m hungry! This place is awesome!” said the pioneering Middle Schooler. “I’m going to stay here for my whole free period!”

Word got back to the other Middle Schoolers of a new territory that promised them everything they could want. No restrictions on freedom, promises of safety, and no limit to opportunity. They were free to go to the cafeteria as many times as they wanted without having to walk half a mile. They were guaranteed safety in the event that it rained, with immediate access to the overpass from Roessler to the cafeteria.

“I’ve never had such opportunities,” Middle Schooler Will Bond said.

The junior area soon became flooded with Middle Schoolers, and the question on all juniors’ minds is: Why isn’t anyone doing anything to stop them?

To answer this question, we must first zoom out of our own community and look at the bigger picture.

In the face of one of the worst midterm defeats in recent history, President Obama responded to his critics by quickly announcing that he would disregard the separation of powers and implement an executive order to grant immunity to millions of illegal immigrants living in the United States.

While the legal implications of this action remain a big topic of debate, the ramifications on the Chadwick community have become increasingly obvious.

The Middle Schoolers have interpreted Obama’s sweeping legal reform to mean that the de facto immigration laws of Chadwick no longer apply. The concentration of Middle Schoolers in the junior and senior areas have increased tenfold since Obama passed this executive order.

“This is unacceptable,” said an infuriated junior with the pseudonym “Randy Friedman.” “I can’t walk five steps without hearing Middle Schoolers scream about Minecraft.”

One can only imagine the future consequences of this newfound disregard for the unspoken laws governing migration.

So what’s next? We sat down with regional immigration expert Quinn Jones for an exclusive Mainsheet interview.

“Who can forget the infamous Figel Fiasco of 2011?” Jones asked as PTSD took over and his hands started shaking. “What was supposed to be a Jewish celebration of a boy becoming a man quickly turned into something much more sinister.”

As Dr. Jones, who has a Ph.D in human migration, remembers infuriated sixth-graders infiltrated seventh-grader David Figel’s bar mitzvah and sabotaged the celebration in an attempt to advocate for their immigration rights.

“We demand to be treated as Middle Schoolers!” chanted the Village School sixth-graders.

Dr. Jones postulates that a similar catastrophe is inevitable unless serious steps are taken to remind the Middle Schoolers of their inferior status.

Dr. Jones continued: “We are looking at civil unrest the magnitude of which hasn’t been seen since the 1960s.”


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Article Keywords:

chadwick, junior, area, middle, free, schooler, jones


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