THEmainsheet saturday SEPTEMBER 26, 2020
Chadwick School - 26800 S Academy Drive, Palos Verdes Peninsula, CA - (310) 377-1543


Volume 65 Number 4

Brandy Melville and the oatmeal problem

by Kylie Bronchick - 2015-02-19


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Brandy Melville makes clothing that is like a bowl of toasty oatmeal. The fabrics are incredibly soft, and their oversized, chunky cardigans give you a warm, cozy feeling...but they’re also very bland and not that special--no offense to oatmeal everywhere. While their soft T-shirts are certainly comfortable, I’d rather turn to other stores to buy my basics for a number of reasons:

1. I am not a bowl of oatmeal

That’s right. And I would prefer not to look like one either. I don’t wear the same five neutral colors: beige, light gray, light pink, white and navy. The store seems to exclusively carry these colors, with the rare exceptions of dark gray and a slightly different shade of beige.

If you’re looking for something unique or different, you’re out of luck. It can be difficult to wear more than one item of Brandy Melville clothing at a time because you end up looking like, well, a bowl of oatmeal. Essentially, your wardrobe becomes a sea of beige cotton, rayon and polyester.

2. The majority of the female population are not Middle School girls

Most women and teenage girls grew out of their 23-inch waist after leaving Middle School, yet Brandy Melville seems to think otherwise, carrying only one size for most of its products, and excluding a large portion of the retail market.

The average woman in America wears a size 14, and Brandy Melville’s clothes clearly are not designed for her. Brandy Melville’s clothing is even rather form-fitting on me...and I’m a mere 5 feet tall and 103 pounds.

3. Terrible quality

After just a few wears, Brandy Melville’s clothing begins to fall apart. The seams come undone, and soon enough the ends of their shirts are eliminated completely, leaving a sad, destitute, not-ideal, frayed look...much like that of historical literature character Huckleberry Finn.

4. No returns, only store credit

If I decide that I don’t love the loose threads in my twice-worn T-shirt, there is nothing I can do about it besides returning it to the store for store credit, so I can purchase yet another crummy T-shirt that will also have unfinished hems after two wears. Gr8. Can’t wait to come back and fuel this institution of violently depreciated sewing thread.

5. Poor customer service

I don’t care if their employees are beautiful; they need to do their job.

6. I like it when my shirt is a whole shirt

I was quite disappointed to find out that my options are limited if I don’t want the back of my “shirt” to consist only of a halter tie at the neck and one more tie in the center of my back, leaving the side-boob to be real and my abdomen almost completely uncovered. If I’m going to pay $18 for a low-quality shirt, I prefer it not resemble a mere scrap of fabric adorned with string.

7. Inconsistent pricing

For some reason, depending on the color of a shirt, the price can fluctuate by at least $5. For example, currently listed on Brandy Melville’s website is the “Mary Tank.”

Should gray be your desired color, you’re in luck: It’s only $12. However, should you wish to purchase the exact same design but in black, you have the misfortune of being charged $20.

What’s so special about the black shirt? Did Brandy Melville outsource their dye process to Mongolian fishermen who raise Atlantic pygmy octopodes in order to harvest their precious and highly valued black ink? Is that it???

8. They sell a beanie with “You Can’t Sit With Us” scrawled across it

I shouldn’t even have to explain this one. I understand that it’s a Mean Girls reference, but shut it down already!



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Article Keywords:

brandy, melville, clothing, oatmeal, don, wear, store, only, shirt, color

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