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Opinions

Volume 65 Number 2

Welcome to Chadwick's new club: Lust

by Austin Farris and Matt Sonnenblick - 2014-11-20

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A new dance club hit the scene last Monday that can only be described as the “hottest club in the South Bay”. Lust, an ID only lounge, opened up shop in Christensen last week.

“We just felt like there was a hole in the Chadwick community that needed to be filled,” said Lust owner Mr. Hill. “We only admit people with the proper identification to ensure that no funny-business happens when people are buying our products,” Mr. Hill continued. Lust opens up at around 8 o’clock A.M. and typically plays top-40 music. At around 12:25, Lust closes down temporarily in order to prepare for rush hour: 1:15-1:45.

“During Rush Hour things get very hectic,” said club bouncer, Ms. Terry. “People try entering through the exit. People even try to CUT THE LINE. These things are unacceptable at Lust, and I’m here to put people in their place.”

Unfortunately the ID only rule at Lust has sparked an underground black market fake ID chain across the street (known as “Reception”), as well as various black market food retailers. Black market informants claim, “Everyone deserves the right to an ID”.

According to other Mainsheet confidential informants, bagels have become a black marketer’s gold mine. Underground bagel sales have skyrocketed since the implementation of the ID only rule. According to one underground bagel dealer, his black market sales have already broken $50 in the past week alone.

In an exclusive Mainsheet interview the bagel dealer, who wishes to use the pseudonym “Randy Friedman,” said, “Look, I provide a service. People without IDs need bagels too. There was a void in the bagel industry that needed to be filled, so I filled it. If it wasn’t me then it would have been someone else.” In regards to Lust forcing IDs on their customers, do the ends justify the means? Our team of investigators conducted a string of interviews throughout the Chadwick community to discover if Lust’s new ID rule is beneficial to the community. What we found was shocking. Quinn Jones has forgot his ID at home so many times, that he has been forced to buy over 10 fake ID cards from “Reception”.

“ID cards are expensive man,” said Quinn in an interview. “I sold my kidney so that I can buy more ID cards. I need my flaming hot cheetos”.

Concerns over the direction that Lust is heading have gained leverage. “Lust needs to play more EDM or else it’s gunna lose interest from the customers,” claimed Harrison St. Jean. “DUBSTEP,” screamed Quinn Jones. “WE NEED DUBSTEP!” Conversely, many other students want Lust to do exactly the opposite: “Taylor Swifts new album just came out,” said Courtney Bond.

“I’ve already memorized like 3 of the songs. It is AWESOME. I want Lust to play Taylor Swift!”

Everyone seems to have an opinion, but the one that matters most is that of DJ Ango (the spinmaster behind it all). In an interview DJ Ango told us: “DJ Ango! Get it! It’s like Django from the movie Django Unchained with Jamie Foxx! It’s my favorite movie! Gotta love Quentin! That scene where Jamie Foxx kills like 40 people is awesome! If you put DJ and Ango together you get Django!” After being assured that everyone understands his name, DJ Ango got serious: “I have one job and one job only and that is to provide these kids with the dopest tracks I can find. I’m an artist, and everyone should be able enjoy my gift. Except of course those jerks who refuse to buy new ID cards.”

The issue of the new consumer ID laws has become the most divisive issue within the Chadwick community since the cafeteria briefly stopped selling bottles of water. Many anti-ID law advocates say that the new laws unfairly discriminate against those who find it difficult or are unable to secure a photo ID. One such advocate, who also wished to use the pseudonym “Randy Friedman,” said, “It’s ridiculous! I’m just trying to put food on the table, and the man is trying to keep me hungry! What?! Am I supposed to walk all the way up to ‘Reception’ and wait for them to print me a new ID card? I have people to hang out with on the lawn!”

Whether or not these new consumer ID laws unfairly target certain groups of people in order to serve food to some and not to others, DJ Ango will continue to quench the thirst of the people with his dope tracks. It will be easy to get lost in the rhythm of the music and ignore the possible civil rights implications of the possibly discriminatory consumer ID laws.


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Article Keywords:

everyone, new, only, lust, community, people, black, market, bagel, interview, ango, law, card


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