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Volume 65 Number 1

If You Ain't Beezin', You Ain't Steezin'

by Austin Farris and Matt Sonnenblick - 2014-10-09


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Disclaimer: The names used in this article are not representative of real people, and the events described are completely fictional.

Chapstick: An everyday toiletry used to moisturize one’s lips? Or high schoolers’ new means of getting “HIGH”? Teens have been reportedly applying Burts Bees lip moisturizer to their eyelids in order to achieve a gratifying high commonly referred to as “Beezed”. The common effects of “Beezin” (according to an anonymous source) include violent hallucinations, crying, loss of vision, and moisturized eyelids.

“My eyelids feel fantastic!” said an anonymous 6th grader. This phenomenon has caused mothers across the country to start asking themselves, “Is my child Beezin?” Symptoms of Beez addiction include loss of energy after 10 P.M, sneezing, and even blinking.

“I noticed my kid sneezing from time to time so I banned all chapstick use in our household,” said a concerned parent. “I even found an eyelash on one of his blistex sticks,” she continued. We attempted to interview this concerned parent’s son, but his lips were chapped to the point that he hasn’t been able to speak for weeks.

So how exactly did this trend start? In order to find the source we had to search for patient zero. The only question on the minds of our team of investigators was: who started this terrifying trend? Finally we tracked down Charles Gainesburry (a 10 year old living in San Pedro, California). We sat down with Charles, and he told us his compelling story.

“My lips were chapped, man,” he said. “I had a stick of Burts and I tried to apply it to my lips just like any other day.” A tear slowly fell down his face as he said, “I sneezed and swiped my eyelids. My life has never been the same.” Charles yik-yaked his story, and following 90 up-yaks, Beezin was born. Investigators speculate that google + has also been pivotal to the proliferation of the Beezin craze. Having discovered how Beezin originated, another question began to consume us; what factors aside from social media caused this habit to become so popular?

What we found was shocking. Clorox, the company that owns Burt’s Bees, has seen their stock prices soar along with the popularity of Beezin. Clorox employees have been reportedly seen giving free Burts samples to 9 year olds at the Torrance Chuck-E-Cheese. “Keep em’ Beezin!” said Randy Samuelson, a Clorox employee, in an exclusive mainsheet interview. However, Clorox isn’t the only corporation supporting the Beez craze. Lenscrafters has donated millions of Burt’s sticks to middle schools around the world. Lenscrafters released an official statement on their website in response to criticism towards their support of this trend: “If you ain’t beezin, you ain’t steezin”.

Fortunately, Bill Gates’s long lost twin brother, Trill Gates, has expanded his philanthropic efforts and started the “Lips not Lids” movement in an effort to spread awareness about the dangers of Beezin. “We have to spread awareness about chapstick’s proper uses,” said Trill Gates. Through extensive research, the Trill and Belinda Gates foundation have compiled the following data about Beezin’ in the United States. It is clear that this trend has to stop.

If you know of someone who is trying this Beezin’ trend, you should get them help immediately.



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Article Keywords:

lip, eyelids, beezin, trend, clorox, burt, gates

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